Thursday, August 15, 2013

This Wasn't Supposed to be My Abandonment...

        Listen, I never claimed that my life was anything but a big, fat First World Problem.

It’s so pathetically true.

        Secondively, it’s time for a sensible disclaimer. I’ve been ruminating on this for some time now, and it seems nothing short of MANDATORY that it be posted at the beginning of this piece:

I don’t write because I think the people care
I write because I think I can make the people laugh.

        That is to say: I don’t think anyone is dying for an update on my life, HOWEVER, I’m pretty sure that said update might produce a few chortles and giggles, so therefore I post.
        If you are still confused as to what I’m getting at, allow me to provide you with an illustration:
        Thanks to being my homepage, I often get sucked into a vortex of useless articles and photos. Last night was no exception. (The blurb said that “Lohan Looks Stunning in Post-Rehab Picture.” How could I not click on that?!) I was then looking through a week’s worth of celebrity Instagram photos, and stumbled upon this photo of Heidi Klum, which read, “NYC, great to be back.”

Dear Heidi:
        1)      I know you graduated from high school, and for that I applaud you, but: that caption is a fragment.
        2)      How many times did you have to snap this picture, to get it exactly right? I know your arms are long, but seriously: how many times did you re-take this?
        3)      Did you get to the room, turn on all the lights, decide to take this and then turn them all off again? Or did you decide to take this and seek out a dark room in which to do it?
       4) NO. ONE. CARES.

        Ok, obviously people care, but come on: at least get your boyfriend to snap a picture of you trying to take this, and post that, so the poor people that do care might no longer be under the impression that if they can become a Victoria’s Secret model, they’ll inherit the magical ability to effortlessly take pictures like this one.

So all that about Victoria’s-Secret-Models-Deluding-Their-Precious-Followers-
With-Seemingly-Effortless-Photos to say:
I’m not posting because I think anyone cares. I’m posting because I just want to entertain the people.

Back to First World Problemz:
        True story: any time I find a hygienic product that I love… it gets discontinued. I have now come to believe that I am cursed. While anything that King Midas touched turned to gold, anything that I touch… gets discontinued. (Spoiler alert: the whole "update" here is about how I spend way too much time pursuing products that have been discontinued.) 

I hope you think I’m exaggerating, because I would certainly think so, if I’d just read that.

Allow me to elaborate:


   I began to first have this grave awareness of a curse after my freshman year of high school. For about two years, I’d worn peach-scented Secret Platinum deodorant. LOVED IT.

It got discontinued.

        I will now speak with very little shame about my Old Spice use. I don’t know why women don’t get the anti-sweat technology that men do, in deodorant, but a) it works fifteen times better than any female deodorant and b) serious perk: it lets me live in the delusion that a hott guy is following me around. Say hello to Artic Force:

Discontinued after one year. 

And then, serendipitously, I discovered this:

        Oddly enough, it smells VERY similar to Secret Platinum’s Peach, but I certainly wasn’t going to ask questions. This was sometime in college, and I was beginning to catch onto the fact that I might be cursed. I bought about three of them, when I was home, one Christmas, to avoid the heartbreak of discontinuation.
        But to quote Lady Catherine, from Pride and Prejudice: THIS IS NOT TO BE BORNE.

        I actually spent forty five minutes online last night, trying to find overstocked supplies of it. Not to be borne. I mean, in the age of hoarders and the internet, HOW does no one have any of it?! You mean to tell me that there isn’t a TLC show devoted to the Crazy Cat Lady who buys up deodorant and then sells it to the poor minions who seek out the discontinued product?

        Oh… what’s that? I’m alone in this venture? Oh. Ok, no that’s fine, Officer; I’m very used to that…

Lest you think this curse resides only in the Deodorant Department, I can assure you: before the Deodorant Chronicles came the Bath and Body Works Chronicles:
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you... Sun-Ripened Raspberry and Sheer Freesia.

Completely discontinued at one point, and now there are maybe a few candles in these two fragrances for sale in the online store.

And finally, most tragically: Happy Daisy.

        This is a picture of a bottle that is sitting on my bedside table, which I use to fragrance my sheets on Grace Douglas Day (Sunday, when the sheets get ceremoniously changed). It was discontinued but then brought back seasonally, when I was in about fifth grade. Clearly I bought up enough to last until now, but if only I’d known how far and wide this curse extended… I shall use the Bath and Body Works Chronicles to segue into the Hair Care Chronicles:

       Anyone remember this awesome bio’ shampoo and conditioner? So obsessed with Citrus and Rosemary. (If you’re expecting me to say “it wasn’t discontinued” at this point, either you need to work on your reading comprehension, or I need to work on my storytelling.)

Here was another serious favorite:

Herbal Essences’ Fruit Fusions. Actually, Herbal Essences in general was pretty magical, around elementary school. Remember THIS?

        (This one actually does have a story of redemption: I snapped this photo on my phone about two seconds ago.) Herbal Essences is like the guy who learned from King Midas’ mistake, and chose to wisely redistribute a popular fragrance. I’m lying: I don’t think there was a guy who learned from King Midas’ mistake, nor does Herbal Essences’ choice to bring this back have anything to do with my Discontinuation Curse, but again: I feel no need to ask questions. I squealed when I found them in CVS, wondering if my curse had been lifted. And because any girl who saw the turn of the millennium can identify this fragrance, I came home and told my roommate to close her eyes, and I shoved the bottle under her nose and told her to identify it. Not even a full second had passed before she said, “Every summer ever at Camp Greystone. Herbal Essences.”
        To be honest, I’m not actually even familiar enough with the tale of King Midas to know if he ever learned a lesson, but I can tell you that this girl has learned one. I find myself tempted to submit this to the Psych department at USC, and tell them that if they’re trying to teach students to understand the emotional impact of children that suffer parental abandonment, they need look no further for a practical demonstration.
        Kids who are abandoned by their parents (be it physically or emotionally) often develop in two different ways:
        1)      They become obsessively clingy, latching onto any and every parental figure that comes remotely               close to them.
        2)      They become obsessively detached, refusing to get close to anything that might abandon them.

To the first, I say this:

        This conditioner is actually still on the market right now, and anytime it goes onsale at Ralph’s, I grab a few. I’m up to thirteen bottles, currently. I refuse to apologize for this.

To the second dysfunctional development, I say this:

        That’s right: I live in fear of a product being discontinued, so I basically buy shampoo or conditioner if I see that it’s exceptionally cheap, trying to keep my collection as vast as possible, so as to avoid the Discontinuation Heartbreak.

Which leads me to the most devastating of Discontinuations: Lilly Pulitzer Jeans. Main Line Fit, Boot Cut:

(I found this pair on eBay… But they’re a size 12. And while most days, I feel like a size twelve, I just can’t say that it’s exactly an accurate size for me…)

Ahem, this is an email that I sent to service@lillypulitzer yesterday:


I'm really not sure how to say this tactfully, but...


I'm kind of exaggerating. 

...but seriously. I've been in LOVE with this pair of Lilly jeans for about 8 years now, and they are literally worn down to thread, and I have GOT to have another pair. 

I'm writing to ask if there might be a suggestion of where to look for this seemingly antique pair of jeans. They're Main Line Fit, Boot Cut, size four, and I got them from a Barefoot Princess store that carried Lilly in San Destin, FL, about 8 years ago. If I have to have a seance to resurrect the late Lilly Pulitzer herself, I will DO IT, if it means I can get my hands on a pair of these... 

Oh, and if you ever need an utterly devoted Lilly fan to headline a "We Heart Lilly Pulitzer" campaign, I'm your girl. I wear my grandmother's Lilly dresses. My college career was documented in the "A Day In The Life" journals (so to answer your question: YES, my bookshelf is going to look VERY strange if you discontinue the production of these journals), I have cut all the flowers and prints out of my 2012 agenda and am making a mod-podge Lilly background to my bulletin board. 

And lest you think I'm a carpool mom that lives in Nashville, TN, I'm a recent college graduate that is living the dream on a diet of Ramon noodles in Los Angeles, California. I proclaim Lilly Pulitzer to everyone I meet that gives me strange looks for wearing pearls at ten am and writing thank-you notes on Lilly stationery... 

But I have strayed from my initial point: I've GOT to have another pair of these jeans.

Thank you for being fabulous!

        I wish that I could say that I send passionate emails like that to the Obama Administration or Abortion Clinics, on the reg.

I don’t.

I’m a failure; I know.

        And while my new BFF Andrew, over at Lilly Pulitzer, informed me that the jeans are NO WHERE to be found, he is sending me a Lilly Pulitzer magnet, in the mail.
        I’ll probably start obsessively collecting magnets, refusing to get attached to any of them, and obsessively cling to Andrew, after asking for his hand in marriage. (He’s a guy and he works at Lilly Pultizer, what else could I possibly want in a spouse? Who cares if he’s attracted to men…)

If you’re a (discontinued) bird, I’m a bird…

LET THE RECORD SHOW: I am heartily opposed to those blogs that end with something like, "What's your favorite holiday tradition?" in a blatant attempt to rack up in the comments section. So I won't end with "What's your favorite product that's been discontinued?" but obviously: I'm a sympathetic audience. So if you were to sound off about it, you'd certainly have my ear... 

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