Friday, January 11, 2013

This Wasn't Supposed to be my Entertainment Center

I think Carolyn and I were both trying to decide whether or not we were really about to follow through with the idea that struck us the night before, as we chomped on our breakfast cookies, one September morning. Somehow, we’d concluded that it would be a good idea to just get in the car and drive until we found furniture. I think we were both trying to conjure up at least an attempt at a sensible excuse to stop us from doing so. You know the “don’t-swim-right-after-you-eat-or-you’ll-get-cramps” line your parents fed you? I was flipping through the rolodex that was stuffed in the far reaches of my brain, making sure there wasn't a “if-you-go-looking-for-furniture-you’ll-find-trouble” line, in there somewhere.

…There was not.

Reiterating our juvenile idea out loud once more, as if that would produce a reason why the whole thing was a bad idea, Carolyn said, “So we should just get in the car…”

“…And drive until we find something,” I finished. “We will let the Furniture Fairies speak to us and lead the way…”

Not kidding. I actually said that.

Furniture Fairies aside, we decided to head back to where we found my desk the first time around, hoping there’d be more furniture on the street in that neighborhood.

The Furn Fairies were undoubtedly doing double back flips as we stumbled upon an entertainment center that seemed too good to be true.

<-- (Shhhh it’s fine. I totally look like this in my mind…)

I say “Too good to be true,” because it was made out of really nice wood (I don’t even know what constitutes a fine wood grain, but this one has it, no doubt) and was in really great shape. AND was sitting in a Furn Fairy crop circle (someone’s driveway) WITH A TV.

Now it would seem that there was a runt in the Furn Fairy Fold, who was probably responsible for the TV that was there, because I’m not talking sleek and slim flat screen TV, I’m talking the kind of TV that is probably still sitting in your attic, that was replaced by a flat screen 10 years ago (five years ago, if you’re the Douglas Family). Nothing against this little runt of a Furn Fairy – she did her part: we now have a TV. Do the other Furn Fairies make fun of her, cause it was a TV from 1997? Maybe.  I’m sure Oprah has an anti-bullying campaign that’s facing this Furn Fairy social cruelty battle head on, but at the time, Carolyn and I didn’t care. A TV is a TV.

It took two trips in her car and one trip in mine to haul it all back to the apartment.

All I can really say is that the only reason this wasn't entirely hazardous is because if the pieces flew out of the car, they would be hitting MY car, not anyone else’s. DON’T WORRY, DAD, THERE WOULDN'T BE A LAWSUIT.

One day when we have luxurious things in our apartment like a sectional couch, an ice maker and I dunno – chairs in the living room, maybe? (No but really. We have chairs for the breakfast table and couches… but no actual living room chairs). We will have a flat screen TV. It will go above the mantle. (I don’t know why we have a fire place…) But in the meantime, in order to accommodate the Furn Fairy Runt TV, we have to place the TV opposite the fireplace. 

Which is no big deal, until you realize that the couches have to go in FRONT of the fire place. (Yes, I HAVE started decorating for Valentine's Day. It is my second favorite holiday and I'm NOT SORRY about it)

One time our Landlord tried to comment on the impracticality of the couch in front of the fire place it and I looked at him and said, “Do you have a better idea, Steve? Cause Carolyn and I hauled those pieces in here by ourselves, we’d be happy to lift the TV up and place it on the mantle, if you think you can make it stay…”

So now we had an entertainment center - that makes for GREAT holiday decorating, by the way. And by “great holiday decorating,” I mean my Dad asked me if we got a Christmas tree for our apartment and I said, “No, but we decorated for Christmas.” This is to what I was referring:

And we had a TV, but no DVD player. (Which means season 2 of West Wing was still being watched on the computer.) So one afternoon I went for a run, and stumbled upon a bit of a gold mine, about a half a mile away from our apartment. The dresser that I picked up is a whole different story, but as I was inspecting said dresser, this Jeep pulled up and rolled down the window. Inside was Bruce Willis.

And now we’re dating. (Shhhh just let the two-color hair happen. I’m an actress. I do craaaazy trendy things with my hair.)

I’m lying.

It wasn't Bruce Willis and we’re definitely not dating.

Although it if were Bruce Willis, I would congratulate him on his work in Easy A, especially the touching scene where he does a “Run, Forrest!” and breaks out of his back brace.

And then I would realize that I was talking about his daughter, Rumer. And so I’d make up for my faux pas by commenting on his work in Unbreakable and inform him it was the first movie I’d ever seen on DVD.

Anyway, this guy that looks nearly identical to Mr. Willis rolls down the window and asks if I’m looking for anything else. 

Ok, Mr. Willis Twin, I think to myself, Liv Tyler played your daughter in Armageddon and I really like her perfume, Very Irresistible Givenchy, so I guess you’re trustworthy…

“Well… A DVD player, if you really wanna know,” I replied.

He nodded then motioned me to follow his car through the gates to his apartment.

This sounds a whole lot sketchier than it really was. Well, it was sketchy, sure, but it wasn't unsafe. There were plenty of people around. And I had my pepper spray, HELLO.
He walks me to his apartment (Dad, calm down, we've been over this: there were people sitting on their porch right across from his apartment that were watching us the whole time. No lawsuit, no use of pepper spray.)

Willis Twin proceeds to tell me that his uncle just died and he’s getting rid of his stuff and he does, in fact, have a DVD player. It was one of three things that were in this little apartment. The other two were a mattress and a pit-bull named Fluffy. No joke.
But he gave me a DVD player for ten bucks, so who am I to judge?

It DID take some maneuvering:(No, that's not the Nearly Headless Horseman; it's Grace, blindly tossing cords around until they all got plugged in... While Carolyn just looked on, giggling and taking pictures)

I had to "maneuver" both the cords and the guy at Best Buy who sold us the cords who tried to sell us some strain of DirecTV. “Sir,” I started, “I’m buying cables to plug an old school TV into a DVD player. Do I look like I can handle DirecTV right now?” I asked for his card and told him he’d be the first to hear from me when I was ready for DirecTV in 2016…

But alas, now Carolyn and I can watch The Bartlet Administration on a real TV…

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